Quotes About Humor

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
― Mae West

“So many books, so little time.”
― Frank Zappa

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”
― Albert Einstein

“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”
― Mark Twain

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx

“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.”
― Jane Austen

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
― Steve Martin

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
― Jim Henson

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”
― Garrison Keillor

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
― Robert Maynard Hutchins

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
― Robert A. Heinlein

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz

“Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.”
― Charles J. Sykes, Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can't Read, Write, or Add

“I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.”
― Charles M. Schulz

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
― Terry Pratchett, Diggers

“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
― Woody Allen

“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.”
― Albert Einstein

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
― Groucho Marx

“Reality continues to ruin my life.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.”
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”
― Mark Twain

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.”
― Rita Mae Brown

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
― Mark Twain

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
― George Carlin

“Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?”
― Marilyn Monroe

“Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources”
― Albert Einstein

“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”
― Charles Bukowski

“Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.”
― John Green

“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.”
― Terry Pratchett, Jingo

“Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.”
― Thomas Stephen Szasz

“There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”
― Oscar Levant

“All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.”
― Terry Pratchett, Thief of Time

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer”
― Douglas Adams

“If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”
― E.B. White

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.”
― Albert Einstein

“Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?"
"Yes," said Harry stiffly.
"Yes, sir."
"There's no need to call me "sir" Professor."
The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
― Jerome K. Jerome

“Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.”
― G.K. Chesterton

“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”
― Jane Austen, Jane Austen's Letters

“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”
― Groucho Marx

“I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.”
― Mae West

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
― Mark Twain

“Life's hard. It's even harder when you're stupid.”
― John Wayne

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”
― Groucho Marx